To the Stars
by Lyssa Tanus
Summary: Vignette. Prior to Dumbledore's death Snape reminisces on his ultimate mistake. And with the help of the stars lets go of his pain so that he can go home to his Lily with no regrets.


While reading (if you like) listen to Lily's Theme by _The City of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra. _Sets the mood quite nicely.

**To the Stars**

He had done something terrible long ago when he was still young and foolish. It was something he regretted above everything else. That day, a time in his youth, he had ruined something perfect and wonderful. He had been so in love with her, so happy, so comfortable. She had been his one and only love—his only real friend. He had messed up. It was a mistake he would never have a chance to fix.

Angry at himself, Snape brought his wand forth and blasted the contents of his desk onto the floor. The pieces clattered and clanked. There were a few precious vials destroyed because of his temper. A few papers scattered, and objects broken.

Snape knew why he had done what he had on that fateful day. He'd wanted acceptance. But it was not what needed. He knew that now as well. He had already had what he truly needed; he just hadn't recognized it until it was too late.

Sighing, Snape stood form his plush office chair. He stepped around his desk, while magically cleaning the mess off the floor, in the process repairing what he could.

Vaguely he noted, with a bitter grimace, that he could never do the same with his heart.

Severus Snape had loved Lily Evans, and though it might seem unbelievable after so long, he still loved her.

It stung though, to think of her. She had been his everything. He had been devoted to her…if only she knew. He would have died for her. But he let it all slip through his fingers—selfishly and stupidly.

There were days he wished he could turn back time. Go back to when everything was simple and easy, when life had been about sitting under a tree and listening to her laughter. Now though, life was dull; there was no such thing as simple or easy. Things had changed, _he_ had changed. The world was a dark place full of torture and wickedness. There was nothing left but constant loneliness and rage.

Lost among his thoughts, Snape did not notice when he left the solace of his rooms and entered the shadow filled halls of Hogwarts. He wandered the dungeons then up the stairs toward the highest point he could find.

He made his way toward the astronomy tower with silence as his only companion—no reminiscing, no emotions, no nothing. It was blissful as much as it was empty. But Snape could deal with empty. It was when he felt, remembered, and craved so desperately for something that he could not have that things turned sour.

His memories brought him misery. He could not stand them, and yet he did not want to part from them. Only in his mind could he retreat to the arms of his Lily. Only there, could his sorrows be soothed and his heart be mended. But Snape also recognized it for what it was: a mirage. And that is what made it so nauseating, so excruciating.

If only he had not said those fateful words…

_Just stay away from me, Mudblood! _

He hadn't meant it. He really hadn't. He was just angry.

_I am so sorry_, he breathed out in anguish as his heart thumped painfully against his chest. He halted in the middle of the deserted hall, his hand looking for purchase against the wall. _I had no idea what I was doing, what I was saying_. _Forgive me please! _

His sweet, pure Lily, she had been no mudblood. Her very essence was that of an angel. There was no way her blood was dirty in any way. Now his…his was made of mud. It was brimming with the unclean muck of degradation and the putrid sludge of hatred. It consumed him, drowning his spirit in a pitiless dump of shit and piss. If anything it was he and his cohorts who were the mudbloods. Indeed, they deserved that title, for only they would try to bring down an angel.

Angel. His angel, his beautiful Lily.

Oh god, how he missed her! Every day away cast him further into darkness.

_Where are you, my love? Come home…please, come home…_

Living without her was like living without air. He felt always breathless, as if unable to surface from under the waves of his anguish. His life was consumed by a void, his soul lost to its greedy clutches. The moment she had been slain he had been lost to it.

But there was a light, small as it might be. His Lily was still with him (if only a little). Through her son, she was still alive. He may not wish to see it, but he could. Her soul, her bright essence, was with him and it shone through the void in order to guide him home.

But there was no way home. At least, not yet.

Snape opened the small rickety door to the Astronomy Tower. Calmly he walked to the nearest balcony. Leaning up against the banister, Snape looked to night sky. There was only one thing, it seemed, that could truly penetrate the darkness above him, he thought. The stars. They dotted the black canvas above him, an everlasting source of light and warmth. They gave comfort within the cold, dank emptiness of the night.

Snape gazed at them tenderly. If anything, they reminded him of Lily—their purity beautiful, their essence divine.

Tonight they stood as sentinels, watching over the world even when the moon left them behind. They made him feel…not so lonely.

As he stood under them, his hands spread atop the stone banister and with his eyes closed, he let go. He let go of all the pain and regret. He let go of the hatred and malice. He let go, because somewhere among those twinkling diamonds, he knew, he could feel, his love waiting for him. She would not want him to be miserable nor would she want him to be unhappy. For the moment, he let himself indulged in those pure whims.

But by morning it would all return. The void would see to it.

Snape could never be truly and completely happy until he returned to his love. He could pretend, certainly. And in this moment, he would pretend. He would imagine that she was with him. That he had never made a mistake. And that everything was alright.

But it was a fantasy, and there was no magic in the world to make it real.

It would all be over soon anyway. Tomorrow he would kill his mentor for the sake of the greater good. He would begin the last leg of his journey, where upon completion he might just receive solace. Perhaps even join the stars in the sky and be with his beautifully divine love.

Be with his Lily.

_I'm coming home, love. I'm coming home._

* * *

**[AN]** I was just feeling a little sad. So I wrote this vignette. Hope you like it!


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